So Claire made a friend... He was tall, muscular, and filled out his tight T-shirt quite nicely, if I say so myself. The three of us - Guy, Claire and I - were sitting at a bar, staring at each other across the table. Well... This is what REALLY was happening: Claire was kind of dancing in her seat (she is always restless when the music is playing), Guy was staring at Claire (no blinking, kind of like a lizard), I switched from Guy to Claire (for politeness sake), Claire would give the Guy a flirty look and then turn to me, I looked at the Guy to see his reaction, Guy had no reaction, because he was still staring at Claire. A a matter of fact, he might have been sleeping with his eyes open, as he didn't move for minutes at a time.
After 10 minutes of telepathically getting to know our new friend, Claire and I decided that he must be a deaf mute. Immediately we felt very sorry for him and gave him the nicest smiles we could muster under the circumstances. The Guy saw this a good sign and began to communicate in the strangest sign language I've ever seen. Apparently he wasn't a very good student in school. As far as we could tell, there were only a few signs in his vocabulary. Strangely enough, somehow they corresponded to the choice of songs by the DJ. And by "corresponded" I mean, that our friend was visually portraying the songs' lyrics. Our favorite must have been "Who let the doggs out", accompanied by very literal representationg of silent barking, various winks and nods, and one mysterious "turning the steering wheel" routine. While Claire and I looked in amazement at our new acquaintance, trying to figure out what exacly he was trying to tell us by his strange gestures -- a miracle happened! The Guy found his voice!
The first words out of his mouth sounded exaclty as you'd expect someone to sound when they've never known how to speak, and are just trying out their vocal cords for the first time. Through the incoherent mumble, slurred vowels and funny-looking mouth shapes, we were able to gather that his name was Tom. Realizing that he can talk after all, Tom decided to share with us the story of his life. A minute or so later, he figured we weren't worthy after all, and summed up his prior two sentences with an emphatic: "I'm not some sleazy drunk guy at a bar!" Well this obviously took a lot for him to say, as immediately after, his head thumped against the wall behind him (he was sitting on bar stool) and he appeared to pass out. To his credit, he woke up very soon after, with full intention to use his new skill to his full advantage, and continue to hit on my friend. He must have forgotten that we weren't worthy of his attention just a few minutes before. I guess he felt that the charm of his conversation would be only enhanced by frequent dance moves along with the song of the moment. Hence in the middle of a sentence he would grow quiet and start shaking his butt... Or he would ask Claire something, forget it the next second and start singing along with Brittney Spears.
Needless to say, he was just too cool for our company. At some point, without saying a word of goodbye he got up and slowly made his way to the other end of the bar. It was only then that Claire and I realized that the poor chap was also facing another handicap: he couldn't walk straight and had to rely on at least one wall/table/chair/person that was in the vicinity of his grasp to keep himself of his feet.
What an unfortunate guy!!! Maybe he shouldn't have had those 5 last shots after all...
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