So Claire made a friend... He was tall, muscular, and filled out his tight T-shirt quite nicely, if I say so myself. The three of us - Guy, Claire and I - were sitting at a bar, staring at each other across the table. Well... This is what REALLY was happening: Claire was kind of dancing in her seat (she is always restless when the music is playing), Guy was staring at Claire (no blinking, kind of like a lizard), I switched from Guy to Claire (for politeness sake), Claire would give the Guy a flirty look and then turn to me, I looked at the Guy to see his reaction, Guy had no reaction, because he was still staring at Claire. A a matter of fact, he might have been sleeping with his eyes open, as he didn't move for minutes at a time.
After 10 minutes of telepathically getting to know our new friend, Claire and I decided that he must be a deaf mute. Immediately we felt very sorry for him and gave him the nicest smiles we could muster under the circumstances. The Guy saw this a good sign and began to communicate in the strangest sign language I've ever seen. Apparently he wasn't a very good student in school. As far as we could tell, there were only a few signs in his vocabulary. Strangely enough, somehow they corresponded to the choice of songs by the DJ. And by "corresponded" I mean, that our friend was visually portraying the songs' lyrics. Our favorite must have been "Who let the doggs out", accompanied by very literal representationg of silent barking, various winks and nods, and one mysterious "turning the steering wheel" routine. While Claire and I looked in amazement at our new acquaintance, trying to figure out what exacly he was trying to tell us by his strange gestures -- a miracle happened! The Guy found his voice!
The first words out of his mouth sounded exaclty as you'd expect someone to sound when they've never known how to speak, and are just trying out their vocal cords for the first time. Through the incoherent mumble, slurred vowels and funny-looking mouth shapes, we were able to gather that his name was Tom. Realizing that he can talk after all, Tom decided to share with us the story of his life. A minute or so later, he figured we weren't worthy after all, and summed up his prior two sentences with an emphatic: "I'm not some sleazy drunk guy at a bar!" Well this obviously took a lot for him to say, as immediately after, his head thumped against the wall behind him (he was sitting on bar stool) and he appeared to pass out. To his credit, he woke up very soon after, with full intention to use his new skill to his full advantage, and continue to hit on my friend. He must have forgotten that we weren't worthy of his attention just a few minutes before. I guess he felt that the charm of his conversation would be only enhanced by frequent dance moves along with the song of the moment. Hence in the middle of a sentence he would grow quiet and start shaking his butt... Or he would ask Claire something, forget it the next second and start singing along with Brittney Spears.
Needless to say, he was just too cool for our company. At some point, without saying a word of goodbye he got up and slowly made his way to the other end of the bar. It was only then that Claire and I realized that the poor chap was also facing another handicap: he couldn't walk straight and had to rely on at least one wall/table/chair/person that was in the vicinity of his grasp to keep himself of his feet.
What an unfortunate guy!!! Maybe he shouldn't have had those 5 last shots after all...
Thursday, August 28
Sunday, August 24
Date # 16:Cuban
Now this is not exaclty a descrtiption of A date. It's an overview of many sighting over a year of relative friendship.
This guy must have been the vainest person I've ever met in my life: inclusive of both sexes. He had a habit of walking around his aparmtent naked, no matter who was visiting -- undoutedly feeling that he was doing them a favor by showing off his chest. He could also suddenly emerge from his bedroom in nothing but a towel and proceed to walk around, talk, cook as if everything was completely normal.
Apparently he thought he was the best thing that happened to this world since the beginning of time. And he seemed to be genuinely surprised when other people did not share his opinion. At one point, in the beginning of our friendship, he even showed up at my house with full intentions of spending the night. He even said it, in his broken English. After my polite, but firm, "Go home", he looked at me with such genuine surprise in his eyes, that for a minute, I even doubted my own common sense. He got up and walked to the door, all the while looking at me, sitting on the couch. I guess he was waiting for me to stop him. When that didn't happen, he walked back and sat down next to me again. He proceeded to ask WHY I didn't want to sleep with him. It made for a hilarious, and very strange conversation. I never thought I'd have to explain to a total stranger my exact reasons for not falling under his manly charms.
After that, we became fast friends, and I had many more occassions to listen to his stories of woe, and watch him in action as a self-proclaimed Cuban Casanova. He wasn't a bad guy, and soon I began to understand that he really DOES think of himself as one of the most beautiful people in the world -- it's not just a sleazy act. Well, that made every conversation even more fun. To his credit, he was a good-looking guy -- just not the Mr. Universe he thought himself to be.
Over the time I knew him, he made a pass at every single girl I ever happened to introduce him to. Unfortunately it never worked, and he was crestfallen at one failure after another. As far as I know he is now happily dating someone who finally appreciates his beauty.
This guy must have been the vainest person I've ever met in my life: inclusive of both sexes. He had a habit of walking around his aparmtent naked, no matter who was visiting -- undoutedly feeling that he was doing them a favor by showing off his chest. He could also suddenly emerge from his bedroom in nothing but a towel and proceed to walk around, talk, cook as if everything was completely normal.
Apparently he thought he was the best thing that happened to this world since the beginning of time. And he seemed to be genuinely surprised when other people did not share his opinion. At one point, in the beginning of our friendship, he even showed up at my house with full intentions of spending the night. He even said it, in his broken English. After my polite, but firm, "Go home", he looked at me with such genuine surprise in his eyes, that for a minute, I even doubted my own common sense. He got up and walked to the door, all the while looking at me, sitting on the couch. I guess he was waiting for me to stop him. When that didn't happen, he walked back and sat down next to me again. He proceeded to ask WHY I didn't want to sleep with him. It made for a hilarious, and very strange conversation. I never thought I'd have to explain to a total stranger my exact reasons for not falling under his manly charms.
After that, we became fast friends, and I had many more occassions to listen to his stories of woe, and watch him in action as a self-proclaimed Cuban Casanova. He wasn't a bad guy, and soon I began to understand that he really DOES think of himself as one of the most beautiful people in the world -- it's not just a sleazy act. Well, that made every conversation even more fun. To his credit, he was a good-looking guy -- just not the Mr. Universe he thought himself to be.
Over the time I knew him, he made a pass at every single girl I ever happened to introduce him to. Unfortunately it never worked, and he was crestfallen at one failure after another. As far as I know he is now happily dating someone who finally appreciates his beauty.
Friday, August 22
"WTF???" Series: # 1
An older gentleman (around 50 or so) approached my friend at a bar last night, and after she refused his offer of a drink, tried to hand her $20, just "so that she'd go buy herself something, if she doesn't want him to do it".
Monday, August 18
Date # 15: Lebanese
This guy landed in my life, courtesy of late night drinking and strange light patterns at a trashy club. Bundled together with the two circumstances above, he seemed ok. On second sight, in the middle of a sunny afternoon, he was a completely different person from what I remembered. Yet, I decided to bravely give it a chance. After all, he seemed fairly intelligent and he was tall.
This relationship was not to be, chiefly because I soon realized that his arms were too short for his body. Don't laugh, dear reader, it is sad, but true. And whatever unflattering truths this shows about my values and intelligence, I just couldn't stand looking at him. I always wanted to grab him by the hands and stretch them out a bit! The funny thing is that no one but me could see it. Some even went as far as to say that I was making it up. For HIS benefit, I hope they're right... On my part, however, he will always be remembered as sort of grotesque -- once I figured it out, I couldn't think of anything else.
Thank God, I didn't have to give him a reason for not wanting to see him. He just kind of disappeared after one unreturned phone call. (I guess this happens to him a lot).
This relationship was not to be, chiefly because I soon realized that his arms were too short for his body. Don't laugh, dear reader, it is sad, but true. And whatever unflattering truths this shows about my values and intelligence, I just couldn't stand looking at him. I always wanted to grab him by the hands and stretch them out a bit! The funny thing is that no one but me could see it. Some even went as far as to say that I was making it up. For HIS benefit, I hope they're right... On my part, however, he will always be remembered as sort of grotesque -- once I figured it out, I couldn't think of anything else.
Thank God, I didn't have to give him a reason for not wanting to see him. He just kind of disappeared after one unreturned phone call. (I guess this happens to him a lot).
Date # 14: Bosnian
He was married. And had a kid -- as explained by his wife in one unpleasant, but very informative phone call. How was I supposed to know?
Note to self: Next time you meet someone new, check court records, church registers, synagogue rosters, and mosque lists. And if his name happens to be on neither of the above, don't forget about hindu and buddhist temples... Now if those return no results, find out where he lives and check for the presence of singnificant other(s). Only when you see him coming and going everywere alone for three months, call him back and agree for a drink.. in another month.
Note to self: Next time you meet someone new, check court records, church registers, synagogue rosters, and mosque lists. And if his name happens to be on neither of the above, don't forget about hindu and buddhist temples... Now if those return no results, find out where he lives and check for the presence of singnificant other(s). Only when you see him coming and going everywere alone for three months, call him back and agree for a drink.. in another month.
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